The Great Meadow Manifesto by Winthrop Murray
27 January 2022 { Comedy }
'The Great Meadow Manifesto.'
There is a meadow on Lovelock Farm, probably the most beautiful meadow in the whole of Eusticeshire. The meadow is bounded by an ancient dry stone wall and by hawthorn hedgerows punctuated by individual bushes of holly, blackthorn and hornbeam all knitted together by ivy, honeysuckle and sticky-willy. At the top of the meadow is a huge oak tree with the perfect silhouette, not a branch nor twig is out of place. In autumn the fallen leaves and acorns miraculously disappear, it is truly a magical place.
The sun always seems to shine on the meadow so many humans visit for picnics and endless games of rounders or hide and seek. As they sit around the edges of the field among Red Clover, Bird’s-foot Trefoil and Crane's-bill, Lady’s Bedstraw, Cowslips and Poppies they always admire the close cropped green grass laid out before them, like an immaculate bowling green. They never question how it happens, each presumes someone else regularly mows and weeds the field. Not for one moment does it occur to them that it isn't man-made at all. It's actually the animals that keep the meadow in pristine condition. For only the sheep with the sharpest teeth and strongest pads are allowed to nibble on the grass and the cows can only manure the field when heavy rain is due, which washes the nutrients deep into the soil and avoids any scorching of the sward. The meadow lark and siskin regularly weed out any non grass seedlings such as the invasive ragwort and the pretty corn cockle, the meadow flowers by the hedge are carefully deadheaded by the younger deer, so only fresh flawless flowers are ever on show. The stoats and otters keep the nearby stream flowing freely by clearing any blockages of fallen branches or human detritus. The whole area is paradise, thanks to this small band of conscientious young animals.
The Oak meadow is also the animal meeting place for all sorts of celebratory events, usually related to the solstices or historical anniversaries but perhaps its most important role is to host emergency meetings. One such meeting had recently been called. Due to unprecedented local disasters the committee had decided it was time for action. They'd organised an Environmental Discussion Day. The meeting details, including the items on the agenda, were posted at all the favourite animal gathering places: the back scratching post; the crowing/perching fence and of course the latrines. In rather scratchy hoofwriting with varied spelling the following was announced -
Emergency Environmental Action meeting
Tonight @the Oak Meadow,
Starting around dusk.
Everyone invited!
Agenda
1 River flooding by the orchard (near 'Dobbins rest')
2 Burrow sharing project
3 Direct action - stopping the traffic
4 Meadow maintenance - vote of thanks
5 Special guest speaker.
The stage area had been prepared in the morning; hay bales were set out in a line to form a raised platform. The lighting was to be supplied by the glow worms that were coming up from near Bellamy Lake and the sound would be boosted by the oriental hornets that were visiting from southern Europe. The speakers were made from tightly woven spiders webs, a set up that had worked well for several summer music festivals.
The meeting was scheduled to start just after sunset; the animals knew the farmer and his family would all in bed early, ready for their usual dawn start the following day. Hopefully the meeting on the meadow wouldn't disturb them but a couple of lookout owls were posted near the farm house should anyone wake up and notice something going on in the meadow.
There was a great deal of anticipation in the air - the events of last winter's flooding had raised concerns about global warming, the animals had left it to the human beings to sort out but they had failed. It was now up to the animals to take action.
The speaker's panel had been selected, with representatives from the Sheep Carbon Collective, the Cow Methane Minimisation Project and the Environmental Truth Lobby. There were also young speakers invited from the Bovine Biodiversity Centre (BBC) and the Insect Terrain Valuators (ITV).
The animals started to arrive, the badgers and stoats, the otters and hedgehogs all quietly filed into the meadow and sat in little groups huddled together facing the stage area. Seagulls and eagles circled up above and chose their perches high up in the oak tree, the robins and little wrens sat on the lower branches. There was no drama or excitement just a general air of concern. Many of the animals had lost family members in the floods or their homes had been completely destroyed due to the building work for the huge new housing estate. Everyone was worried and hoped that something could be done.
As the sun sank below the horizon the beautiful orange sunset faded away and a light field mist descended. The glow worms began to charge up and soon there was an orange light all around the stage. A large stoat tapped the microphone and said,
"Testing, testing 123" the sound boomed out across the audience, the stoat continued "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair" there was a loud crack followed by some feedback, the foxes frowned and covered their ears. The stored solar power had surged out of the wasps at first, however they eventually found the correct levels and the sound became well balanced so the foxes could relax.
The meeting was opened by one of the meadow elders, a large Badger named Eric. He was a little overweight and his posture gave away the fact that he was 'Not in the first flush of youth'. He welcomed all the animals to the meeting with a voice hinting at his Scottish origins and introduced the first speakers, a couple of nervous looking moles who were squinting in the insect light.
Item one - River flooding by the orchard (near 'Dobbins rest')
The moles came forward and talked about the new houses that had been built in the next field and how the runoff from the paved driveways was draining straight into the river causing flooding. The moles had realised that the whole housing estate was just one large runoff for water. There was nowhere for the water to drain into the ground, even the pond had been drained. The moles knew the dry ground would shrink under the houses and driveways and soon lead to subsidence. They had come up with a plan to burrow underneath the buildings to get some air and moisture back into the soil to avoid future problems but the humans had put poison down to get rid of them.
"That's the thanks we get for trying to save their buildings and reduce flooding" the moles said. The audience tutted and shook their heads.
They had heard from some migrating birds stopping for refreshments in the barley field that the flood plain was being built on all along the river. A fact that the house builders had chosen to ignore. The moles warned that every twenty years or so the land flooded but now feared it will be more often and much more severe. They finished their presentation and there was lots of nodding and supportive applause from the assembled animals, they were lead off the stage to a darker area so their sensitive eyes could recover.
Item two - Burrow sharing project
A young stoat called Nigel Perriwinkle took to the stage; he was very well spoken with a slight lisp. The others called him a boffin or an intellectual and it was true that he was very intelligent and knew his stuff.
"Ladieths and gentlemen, I am here to weport on the Burrow sharing pwoject that we have been wunning for the last six months. Ath we know, when the housing ethstate was built we lost two badger sets, theveral wabbit wowens and other assorted animal homes. There is no woom in our airwea to build new ones so we came up with the idea of sharing homes. Some animals are nocturnal and we beweved we could share buwwows between compatible spethies in a sort of timeshare awangement if you pwease. Species were very carefuwy selected. The burrow's internal conditions were measured and adjusted to give the ideal enviwoment. For example; optimal wevels of O2 and CO2 were measured by our coweagues the honeybeeths and waspths, The levels of stwaw bedding, grain stores and air holes etc were adjusted accordingwy Our first buwwow sharing species the badgers and the field mice were given terms and conditions to wead." Eric the Badger interrupted
"Well, interesting as this is young Mr Perriwinkle, much of the finer details are perhaps going over the heads of many in our audience. I wonder can you just give us a summary of the burrow sharing project so far?"
"Ok, well the results of the burrow sharewing projects are as fowows. In the case of the badgers sharing burrows with the field mithe, on the first evening the badgers ate all the field mithe."
There was a communal intake of breath from the audience; one of the lady chickens fainted and had to be revived by her clucking companion. There were several shouts of 'Shame' and 'It's unnatural'. The badgers in the audience seemed uncomfortable and huddled together shivering. Nigel continued.
"In experiment two, the sharewing was between the stoats and the wabbits on evening one the sharwing worked well, on evening two the stoats ate all the wabbits."
"So in summary it seems that in all cases the smaller animals woke up to find themselves eaten, is that true?"
"Well yes sir, unfortunately so. Although we haven't twied all the combinations yet."
There was applause and then discussions broke out between the assembled animals, some raucous laughter was heard as a rather tasteless joke was made by one of the otters. In the farmhouse a young boy was awoken by the noise, he put on his bedside lamp and ran to his bedroom window. With hoots from the lookout owls the meadow fell silent, all the lights went out and a quiet 'shih' was passed around the audience. The young boy squinted into the darkness, he could have sworn he'd seen ... no, couldn't have been. The air was chilly and he was soon back in his warm bed and switched off the light. A gentle cooing from a woodpigeon sitting on the farmhouse chimney meant the boy was soon fast asleep and the meeting could continue.
Item three - Direct action - stopping the traffic
Activists from the Sheep Carbon Collective described how their attempts at road blocking had met with varying degrees of success. One road block ended up with over 50 stationary cars, the traffic jam was eventually cleared by the 'turncoat' sheep dog, barking and snapping at the prostrate sheep on the road and herding them into a nearby field.
"Once again putting love of their humans ahead of the needs of the animal community as a whole!" said the sheep rather pointedly. There were some boos from the crowd, and the few assembled sheepdogs bowed their heads looking rather uncomfortable.
Members from the Bovine Biodiversity Centre (BBC) told a similar story of the cows. They managed a good road block of twenty minutes, until the human forced them on into the milking shed. Their
go-slow had caused a traffic jam of thirty or so cars. At one point things turned a little nasty and two of the cars were damaged by the hooves of one of the cows but this was frowned upon by the majority of the animals whose slogan was always 'peaceful protest and no violence'.
Item four - Meadow maintenance - vote of thanks
Eric the badger gave a vote of thanks for the animals who kept the meadow in such an amazing condition. The individuals involved lined up at the front of the meeting and were given a huge round of applause. The audience clapped, brayed, whinnied and crowed, it was a heartfelt thank you.
"And finally" announced Eric "We have a very special guest speaker all the way from the northern lands." A small piglet trotted onto the stage "Ladies and gentlemen, Greta Gruntberg." The audience erupted with shrieks and hollers, the lady chicken fainted again but no one noticed.
The crowd eventually quietened down as the tiny piglet trotted up to the microphone and climbed on to a small box so she could be seen and heard. The lights dimmed and a single spotlight shone on this tiny piglet, illuminating her honest face and highlighting her neat little pigtails.
"Ladies and gentlemen, time is running out, we must act now. For too long we have left it to the humans to sort out our environmental problems, problems they themselves have caused. We are going to have to face it, human beings are too greedy and too stupid to see what they have done to our planet. They are never going to learn or change. It is up to us to take action now. Every earwig, every spider, every mole and vole, every horse and otter, every eagle and wren. I tell you that from this day forward we are all Environmental soldiers and we have no time to lose."
The crowd jumped to their feet and enthusiastically applauded this brave young piglet. The cheering would have gone on all night but this modest little lady simply climbed on to her bicycle and set off on her long ride home.
As a result of this first animal environmental meeting the Great Meadow Manifesto was written. 'Greta' groups were set up all over the country to take direct action and avoid climate disaster. Sheep and cow traffic jams grew bigger and lasted longer, squirrel forests appeared everywhere as they planted acorns on every bit of wasteland, diesel and petrol cars had their tyres slashed, their fuel tanks damaged whereas electric cars remained untouched. It really was a revolution and everyone agreed that the future is filled with hope.
Comments
We would be delighted to know if you enjoyed this story or not. Our authors crave feedback and will hang on your every word. Your comments will only be visible to them.