Gordon by Jason Brown
21 October 2022 { Fantasy }
Gordon
Gordon
By Barrie McDonald
Gordon, the lonely gnome, rested on the shelf of the bargain store, surveying the world around him. Originally, he had been one of a batch of twenty-four, which had rested on these very shelves. He had not yet attracted the attentions of a buyer. Planters and other objects surrounded him that some gardeners liked to enhance their plots with. He knew there must be a wider world because he was the only remaining gnome and all the others had moved on. All two dozen had looked identical with red hats and beards, and each one was holding a fishing rod. To the trained eye, they all had their own characteristics and voice. Watching as customers strolled along his aisle, stopping to select items and drop them into a shopping trolley. Some dropped minor items straight into their own pockets. Gordon believed that the area required CCTV. The store employed a security guard, but he spent his day flirting with checkout girls and sometimes with young, attractive lady shoppers.
Gordon was quite active for a gnome and had a sense of humour, which he satisfied by playing tricks. Of course, humans were unaware that he could both walk and talk. One of his favourite japes was, under the cover of darkness, to jump into one of the many garden planters and hide. This caused amazement among the staff when the store re-opened the following morning. The security man being frequently puzzled and scratching his head. An especially joyous occasion for Gordon happened when he wasn't found for three days. Finally, one day after being moved to the front of a shelf at eye level, he attracted the attention of a charming old lady. His sad expression worked, and she asked the security man to let him down so she could buy before taking him away. 'Hurrah!'
The Lady used a shopping trolley called Solomon to carry him and caught a taxi to her house.
Now he had a new home in the lady's front garden. He had an unobstructed view of the roadway, but more of the interesting garden. He was sitting in a rockery that overlooked a pond. Across from him was another fishing gnome. His new companion was a rare gnome of the female gender.
'Hello,' I am Gordon Gnome. What do they call you? '
'Geraldine Gnome,' she replied.
'I'm new. How long have you been here?'
'I know you are new. I saw them unpack you. Six years I think.'
'You look well for six.'
'Ah well, Alice is very fussy; at the first signs of wear, she is out with her brush and paints.'
Gordon had a look around, noting all the different gnomes. A couple of pipe-smokers, one with a wheelbarrow, and even one with a bare bum. Gnomes were not the only inhabitants of the garden; lambs, owls, and ducks also lived there. Hiding in a hydrangea was a stone cat stalking a robin in the ornamental bush. Quite a menagerie, thought Gordon.
'I'm terrible with names. You'll have to tell me who's who, Geraldine.'
'I'll do my best, but some have been here longer than I have.'
' Who's that old guy who looks like he's guarding the front gate?'
'That's Graham Gnome. He's been here for years and had a few paint jobs.'
'Hi Graham, my name is Gordon. How are you doing?'
No response from Graham. He is asleep.
'You will have to shout up. He's a bit 'mutton Jeff!’
Oh great, thought Gordon, a geriatric gnome garden. I will try him later tomorrow. I will have to get some
fun organised here.
The next day and nothing changed. He looked at Geraldine.
'Are there any fish in this pond being as we're both supposed to be anglers?'
'No, we get a few frogs each year, but Alice doesn't like them, and they get removed.
'Does she know we cannot catch them with these rods?' He smirked.
This made Geraldine laugh. This new bloke seems a bit of a comic. We are going to have fun. She could see him looking around with a mischievous eye. He looked over at Graham, the guard, and hailed him in a loud voice.
'HEY! Graham, are you up for a bit of fun tonight?'
Graham looked around, trying to identify the source of the shouting, finally spotting Gordon.
'Are you the new boy? You're loud, aren't you? What do you have in mind?'
'That's the spirit. We'll talk later when it gets dark.’
'OK,' said Graham, wondering what he was letting himself in for?
Later, Gordon shouted to Graham again.
'Let's switch places tonight and switch back tomorrow night. We will have confused Alice in the morning because we swapped places.’
Graham consulted Geraldine before replying to Gordon.
'I'm not sure. Will it be alright?'
'Yes, it's only a bit of fun.'
'OK then, let's do it.'
'Good,' said Gordon, making his way over the rockery.
Graham started coming the other way, but because he was unsteady on his feet, he slipped and tumbled into the pond with a loud splash. Several of the other gnomes dashed over to help while staring at a laughing Gordon.
'Is he OK?'
'Yes, no thanks to you. Fancy making him do that at his age?’
Graham was unaffected by his fall apart from a bit of chipped paintwork. The next morning, Alice came into the garden and did a double take. She disappeared back into the house and emerged armed with a brush and paint.
'There now. I'll soon have you as right as rain,’ Wondering why two of her gnomes were in opposite positions. Geraldine, meanwhile, tried hard not to laugh aloud and kept her head down.
Gordon shouted across to Graham.
'Reverse tonight to complete the joke?'
'Not for me,' growled Graham.
Gordon looked over at Geraldine, who shook her head.
'Who's that weird-looking Gnome a couple of feet to the left of Graham?' he asked.
'Oh. That's Luca, he's from Zurich.'
'Hey, Luca! Fancy swopping with Graham, and If I stop here, it will be three changes?'
'Ya, was Luca's reply.’
The deed was done, and Gordon was by the gate, surveying both the garden and the road outside.
In the middle of the night, he heard whispering and felt himself being lifted over the gate and dumped into a car boot. He was in the hands of a gang of gnome grabbers and soon found himself in a yard full of angler gnomes. He glanced and computed twenty-three newly painted companions.
The next morning, they gave him a lick of paint before being transported with the others to a large hall filled with people. A man was standing at a lectern armed with a small wooden hammer.
'Lot eighty-eight. Twenty-four immaculate garden gnomes are to be sold as one parcel. Who will offer me a hundred?'
People in the room kept raising hands and nodding until the small hammer tapped on the lectern.
'Sold to the gentleman in blue,'
Someone loaded the twenty-four onto the lorry and secured them. The lorry set off, and the gnomes began chattering and wondering where they were going.
Two days later, all of them were on a shelf in a bargain store. Déjà vu, thought Gordon.
Over the coming weeks, someone took away his companions until he was the only one left to contemplate his fate. Until a familiar-looking lady picked him up and took him to the till. Alice was that person.
A short taxi ride later, he was back in the garden near the pond.
'Hello again,' said Geraldine. 'Nice to see you, to see you nice,' she said, tittering.
Graham the guard groaned, and Luca looked to the heavens.
Gordon was gob-smacked!
'The gnome has come home.'
Something had changed, and he could sense a new atmosphere in the garden. During his absence, the figures had discussed his actions and except for Geraldine had agreed that they wouldn't put up with them anymore.
Gordon could sense the atmosphere, and the others ignored him. He became depressed and lost his spark. Alice tottered on her feet and the garden maintenance plummeted. Grass grew high, invasive weeds flourished, and the pond was smelling. Passers-by no longer stopped to admire the once pristine plot. Alice's condition deteriorated, and her family rehoused her into a care home for older adults. After a few weeks, they put the house up for sale. They arranged viewings. Whilst some took an interest in the garden figures, the majority eyed them disdainfully and considered them old-fashioned. Alice made a sentimental return for a last look at the garden. She tried to apply some paint, but her daughter ushered her away. A new owner moved in.
The ornaments were looking forward to the garden being restored, but it turned out to be a false hope. His first act was to order a skip, and with help, began clearing the garden. Gordon, along with all the others, being transferred into the skip before being transported to the Corporation tip. Tipping the figures onto a conveyor belt for sorting, an operative pressed the start button. Fearing the worst, Gordon became resigned to his fate. The conveyor rolled forwards and upwards as operatives began taking items off for recycling.
Jim Crawshaw had worked at the waste disposal site for ten years, and always kept an eye open for something he could sell or keep for himself. As the belt trundled past him, he saw a flash of red. Jim, acting fast and stored him under the belt.
'Should get a few quid for that,' He thought.
Geraldine soon followed, but the rest of the figures continued towards the crusher. At the end of the shift, Jim loaded the two gnomes into the boot of his car. At home, he hosed his acquisitions clean and touched up the damaged paintwork. Satisfied, he made a few phone calls. A week later, the manager of the local garden centre paid for Gordon and Geraldine, positioning them on a step at the front entrance to the centre. They hung a notice welcoming the customer to Sunny days Garden Centre around Gordon's neck. He looked at the car park and the surroundings, paying particular attention to the surrounding bushes.
On the first night, he turned around to face the entrance door. The next morning the manager stopped and assumed that kids had moved Gordon for a joke. During the day, the customers patted Gordon on the head before entering the centre.
Before closing, the manager adjusted the CCTV camera to focus on the front steps. After locking up, he patted Gordon on the head and joked.
'Try not to move tonight, Gordon, lad.' 'We need to be a bit more careful.'
Gordon whispered to Geraldine, and they kept their position for the rest of the week. Customers asked the manager if the two Gnomes were for sale. The answer he gave was that they were not, but if the right offer came along.
On the first night, he turned around to face the entrance door. .
The next day, before closing, the manager adjusted the CCTV camera to focus on the front steps. After locking up, he patted Gordon on the head and joked.
‘Try not to move tonight, Gnome,' 'We need to be a bit more careful,'
- whispered to Geraldine, and they kept their position for the rest of the week.
Summer was ending, leaves were turning and dropping, customers were few. A minibus drew up to the entrance. The driver got out and fitted ramps to enable wheelchairs to exit. Geraldine couldn't believe her eyes as Alice appeared out of the minibus. Gordon looked at Geraldine.
'Yes, it's Alice, our Alice,' answering his silent question. The care home had arranged a trip to the Sunny Days for afternoon tea in the cafe. The guests made their way to the dining area, except for Alice, who threw her arms around Gordon's neck and refused to move. Charlie saw this and smiled to himself. He spotted an opportunity as he jotted down the contact details from the side of the minibus. A quick phone call gave him the manager's name. Sir Humphrey Walker-Smythe. The next day, Charlie spoke to reception at Golden Days asking to see the manager. The receptionist knocked on Sir Humphreys' door. It's the manager of the garden centre, Mr. Ross
'Show him in.'
'What can I do fror you Mr. Ross?'
'It's more what I can do for you Sir.'
'Oh, and what would that be?' 'You recently made a visit to our Garden centre for afternoon tea.' 'Yes, I believe they enjoyed themselves.' 'Well, one of them did more than the others. She wouldn't leave the gnomes alone.' 'Yes, that would be our Alice, a lovely lady, only been with us a short time,'
'I think the gnomes would be an investment for your home. It would keep the inmates happy and give the staff a break.' 'If I can correct you there, we don't have inmates, just guests. I see what you mean, though. Leave it with me. I'll have to consult with the board.’
Charlie went back to the garden centre with a skip in his step and a smile on his face. Two days later, Sir Humphrey called to enquire about the cost of the gnomes.
'I think Thirty quid would cover it?’
'Would that be for the two? We are a charity, after all.'
'Well, if it's for a cause, I'll throw Geraldine in as well.' 'Thank you, but we'd prefer that you don't throw her. We'll take up your kind offer, but we need to organise a pond for our anglers.' 'Now, I might help you with that.'
Two weeks later, Geraldine and Gordon sat side by side next to a brand-new pond shaded by a willow tree. Gordon turned to Geraldine, and with a contented sigh, said,
'I think we're home at last,’ Geraldine agreed, and they both fell asleep.
The next morning, Geraldine looked at Gordon and laughed.
- do you find funny?' 'It's your blue hair, yellow beard, and black hat. 'Well, you've no room to talk, with your brown hair and bright red face.
In unison, they both shouted, ‘ALICE!'
'
.
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